For the few readers that I do have, none of you know me personally. We’ve never met, and very possibly never will. That’s the beauty of this “connected” age we’re currently in. We can get in touch with people a few miles away or halfway around the world.
So with this post, I’m going to get real personal and share a little bit of my story with you. More specifically, what’s been happening with me for the last year or so.
This won’t have anything to do with games or movies or anything else in nerd or pop culture; just me sharing a little piece of myself with you.
Early July of 2016, on the very same day, I lost my job and my now ex-wife decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore.
Not only did this come on the same day as being terminated from my source of income, it also came roughly five months after I found out she cheated on me with her boxing coach – which I forgave and was willing to continue our marriage because I loved her and our son and I didn’t think it’d be right to split over one mistake.
We had been in counseling for about a year and a half at the time of her affair, but it still felt like we were treading water, going through the motions, and all the other cliches of a stagnant relationship.
I was pissed, but I understood that nobody’s perfect and, believing in Christ the way that I do, wanted to forgive and use her mistake as a hard reset for our relationship.
Well, that obviously didn’t last long, and a few short months later, she didn’t want to be with me anymore.
It only took me two weeks to find another job, but because I could only find employment in childcare, I didn’t make enough to move out right away. At first things kind of remained the same as far as watching shows together at night and putting our son to bed together at the same time, but then she wanted to distance herself. She said I needed to learn what it was going to be like to live on my own.
As she grew colder and more distant, we argued, of course. Things would get so heated that she would get mildly physical, pushing and shoving me out of frustration, and then saying that if I called the cops on her for putting her hands on me they’d laugh at me because I let my ex-wife push me around.
She would call me a bad father and other hurtful things, just to get to me and dig and turn the knife even more, knowing that divorce was the thing I feared the most because my parents did the same thing when I was a kid and it was hell. I didn’t want to put our son through that, but here we are.
Fairly quickly – two months after she broke up our marriage, I would come to find out – she met a new guy. And things got to their worst while I was still living with her when she started having this new guy spend the night with me still living there and our son in the other room. When I brought this up to her to say how disrespectful it was, she said it wasn’t disrespectful and that she could do what she wanted because we weren’t together anymore and she wasn’t going to pause her life just because I hadn’t moved out yet. To her, we were just roommates and that was why she could continue to hurt me and disregard my feelings. Never mind the fact that if and when our son ever got up in the night, he may end up seeing another man in our bed and probably get very confused. Our son was 4 going on 5 at the time this started.
Shortly after that started, I moved out. I went from living in a house with my family that I loved, and my spouse that I thought loved me back, to renting a room a few miles away and seeing my son half of the week and every other weekend.
Now, this next part of the arrangement may sound weird, but it’s kind of where I needed to bite my tongue and just swallow my pride. On the nights that I have my son, I spend the night at my old house while she spends the night at her boyfriend’s house… So she does have a heart, and she cares enough that she wants our son to have his father in his life, and I appreciate that so much.
However, I still do go through times where she’ll put me down, call me names, call me pathetic because I’ve sacrificed trying to get a better job all because I knew it would upset my son’s schedule and the time I get with him.
The door opens for a little more opportunity now, however, as he will be starting Kindergarten very soon. He’s growing up so fast and I love him so much. That’s why I started this blog. I want to pursue my dream of writing, especially about video games. He and I spend time together playing games and it’s a time when I feel at peace and happy.
Because of that, I wanted to share that feeling with you, the reader. And despite all the crap we go through, the curveballs that life and other people throw at us, the obstacles we face, we can come out the other side. We can come out stronger and wiser, and have more self-respect. Maybe even enough to stand up for ourselves and to stop being a doormat.
That’s what I’m working on, what I’m learning. I hope you do the same.